hermit

My self-imposed obliviousness was disturbed by sports assistant editor’s seemingly innocent inquiry.

I have plunked the tryout’s outcome to the dark spaces of my mind. I vowed to forget about it while I wait—and just be merry. September has been mentally marked as judgment day though.

That the month is nearing, I’m so aware of. Again, I try to push it aside, given the small window of time I have between office work and love life.

Now, I can say that I’m officially bothered, even if I’m still a bit ambivalent about the whole thing. It’s the winning-and-losing aspect that I am concerned of. I can’t help it, though I’ve learned to dislike being competitive, it has been planted to my core.

I don’t like losing. Nobody does, I guess. Even losers must not like losing. They just try to act like they don’t give a damn. Just be cool about it.

So as the thought was thrust at me, I tried to clue in on what happened recently.

*     *     *
And I might as well finally say something about what happened in the not-so-distant past. I was really upset that it has to be circulated in e-mails, talked about by reporters from various beats and probably included in coffee conversations. But I have come to terms with the fact that my possibly would-be colleagues have prejudged me based on some nasty interpretations.

Funny how the tenets of journalism had been disregarded. Oh yeah, they had sources, it wasn’t necessary to hear my side. And it’s not news anyway. Just gossip.

But really, I’m just a very private person who dreams of being a hermit—with a library and a home theater system please.

*     *     *
As I was saying, I weighed the recent episodes with editors. Daydesk chief was suddenly pleasant again, told me to be patient then peppered me with assignments. No less than the editor in chief asked me to “storify” a document sent to her. News editor offered advice, told me that I can write better than some reporters then said that it shouldn’t discourage me if I weren’t chosen.

I winced on the last one. Hey Cois, was it really an innocent inquiry?

Well, I won’t really make a conclusion based on the above-mentioned. The decision is not mine to make so I might as well let the decision-makers decide on it. Tee-hee.

And as Cois kindly said, whatever the outcome would be, it shouldn’t affect how I judge myself.

fall for you

If I had updated this blog about our relationship status, people would say it’s crazy. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Finally, I could say, it’s a yes. And I would like to credit Ice Age 3; I swear this movie saved us. LOL.

*     *     *

The best thing about tonight’s that we’re not fighting 
Could it be that we have been this way before?

*     *     *

Thrice I let you go. And you came back over and over.

I couldn’t really grasp at first. I sensed a deep connection between us, but why deny it? I know you love me, but why choose her?

Other people said you were using me. Some said you just wanted me but you needed/loved her. I couldn’t buy those. No matter how I looked at things when we’re together, I could not believe them.

And yet you were as stubborn as I was. After giving it my best shot I just had to give up.

The first and second time you came back, I embraced you without question. I was just so relieved to see you again.

*     *     *

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again
Don’t make me change my mind

*     *     *

This time, after giving you the ultimatum, you told me (finally) that you ended it up with her. That you’re ready to be with me and me alone … forever.

*     *     *

I won’t live to see another day
I swear its true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

*     *     *

I was happy yet wary. Is this just another roll down of our yo-yo relationship? When will be the next pull?

But as time passed, my doubts were eased out by your reassuring actions.

You’re simply more affectionate this time. As if the world revolves around me.

*     *     *

I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start

*     *     *

What I like best is our conversations that last until we see the first ray of  sunlight. In one of those moments when we share glimpses of ourselves, something dawned on me. This life has let you down so many times, and you try to hold on to things that are certain. I understood how difficult it was for you to let go of someone who had stood by you for so long.

I’m glad you made a leap of faith, with me.

*     *     *

I’m yours to keep . . .

how

How could you come with me when you knew all along that you have to go?

*     *     *

I was having an okay life when our paths crossed. Things happened fast. But you made me care for you, made me love you. I gave up on carefree relationships and took ours seriously. You said you would end it up with her but until now (almost two months of not seeing her or communicating with her) you still don’t have the guts to do so.

I thought we were fine. But our latest argument on this made me realize that I’m still competing with her. That although you love me, it’s still not enough for you to completely give up what you had. You almost left me.

It hurts. These two words could sum up the pain but they’re not enough to describe it. I was still heartbroken even though you decided to stay with me because at the back of my mind I’m still wondering if I could ever really have your heart.

*     *     *

How could you break down my disguise and uncover my fears? How could you look into my eyes ignoring my tears?

*     *     *

Friends told me it’s not worth it. That I deserve better. But I’m quite stubborn. Why would I give up on something I’ve already committed myself into? And like what I’ve told you, I don’t want to regret if I didn’t even try to make this work. So even if reason told me to break it off, I still stuck around.

A few days have passed, and things seem to get better. I hope it would continue to do so.

love it

*watched “A Beautiful Boxer” again

*saw “The Reader” with the most appropriate person to watch it with

* been together for a month

* finally hit the send button on another special report

* will watch missed episodes of “Fringe”

this time

I’m in love with this boy who sings and plays the guitar. who beats the drums and strums the bass, too. who explains his side and won’t stop until he’s understood. who will not sleep until I’m ready to. who tells jokes just to hear my laughter. who tells me he loves me over and over.

And i hope, this time, it’s for keeps.

take a bow

So this is how it ends. Not a very good wrap-up. But I couldn’t care that much. Petiks time is heaven.

the last week

My tryout is nearing its end.

“Make the most of your last week. It has been a good run and you know it,” somebody from the office said.

I wonder if I’ll miss the field. Surely I will appreciate the petiks time at the office. Will be able to catch up on the tons of books and movies I bought.

But, no, I have an assignment already. Ugh.

crushed

How could you treat me like this after all that I’ve done for you?

I’ve forgotten how it felt to grieve over a lost love. Thanks for reminding me.

I realized, because of you, that I could still hurt just when I thought I no longer love you.

guyito again

With a wrecked heart, retail therapy is the best policy, next to a cartoon story.

Guyito said, “drop-out pero perfect speaker daw!”

OK now

We’re seeing each other again. But we have other commitments.

Off to a rest day.

Misses him.